Finding the Sunshine in the Rain

So, it's been a while. Not that anyone reads this.

Anyways, for the first time this year I feel like everything is starting to go my way. Like everything is finally coming together. Kinda. I mean, honestly, this was the worst fucking year of my life. Mark and I fought a lot, we almost broke up like 5 times. My head wasn't in the game at all. The depression. Oh that evil depression. The lack of weight loss. The no free time, school and work. The tired days and poor days.

But now school is almost over! 5 more weeks! Then a 2 month internship. So end of February I will hopefully be getting my license. Then I have a job interview with a place that pays $25/hour plus tips. My last PTS was Friday and I got a 98%! I'm amazing!

Work is going well. Black friday is next week. So of course itll be hell especially with BBY opening at midnight. Sigh.

But Mark and I are doing much better. We were struggling a bit ago with having to come up with $8k by the end of January. Now we only need $3404. And after this week, $2650. Then half of our debt will be paid off! We will be close to $13k this month. And closer to $9k at the end of January.

We were talking about looking at Houses soon. That could be pretty exciting. Fingers crossed!

Thats it for today. Keep your chin up. Its getting better...

Just Ignore This, this isnt a plea for help. I think you should go fuck yourself if you want to psycho-analyze me right now. :D

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself just to prove to someone that maybe you actually would? Because that person is such an insensitive dick and doesnt understand how helpless you feel sometimes that you might actually do it just because. Yeah I might not ever do it. Because I want kids one day, because I need to help people, because there is no point doing it if all I have to do is leave you to make my life so much better. SO MUCH BETTER. And yet so much worse.

I have this unforgiving need to die. Not kill myself but die. I cant help but to find myself not caring if I get into a car accident. Everytime I drive I wonder how quick it would be if I get went off the overpass. How fast could I die if I hit the water. If I stood under something looming dangerously at work would it hit me hard enough to just end it. If I buy a plane ticket, would I be lucky enough for it to explode midair? Could the lightning storm just happen to strike the exact spot I stand? If I touch enough power outlets and electrical devices could one finally make me not have to think about all the shit you put me through.

Its jsut one of my moods. The depressive one that you dont seem to understand ever. The one that you think when we have a problem if you just ignore everything will be ok and fix itself. Remember its my problem, right? If I hold on to grudges its because I have a screw loose. /shrug

And its been like this for months. Seriously. How can something make you so happy and yet so sad?

Anyways...thats life. And thats what everyone else experiences, I just have the balls to write about it.

Today is the Day

Well I am going to call the First Day of School! Sounds a little silly to me. I haven't been in school in years. Almost 5-6 years I believe. I am excited, so excited. I have been looking forward to this day for years now and it is finally here.

I promise to be a great healer. I want nothing more than to make everyone healthy and happy. I know I have a long tough journey ahead of me. But I will overcome all obstacles and succeed.

I believe this move is a the key to my success and happiness in life. The possibilities are endless. After acheiving my license for massage so many doors will open.

I want to thank my Mom for raising me to be such a strong, caring, open minded daughter. I want to thank my husband Mark who puts up with my whims, constant mood swings and has continued to love me through it all. I want to thank Tom for playing a major role in my decision making to go back to school and constantly encouraging and supporting me every step I take down this path. And Holly, who is a massage therapist herself. Thank you for the books and supplies, they have helped and will help me.

And thank you all for your love and support.
<3
Cris

Oh and an Update on Texas

So for those of you who dont know. We are indeed staying in Texas. Matt and Carol are having a house built so come July, after Otakon Mark and I will be free! Free to get our own place that is. The houses are so nice and clean and new down here. I love it.

The sky is open and you can see for miles. People are nice and there are soo many attractive people in Texas. It makes me happy.

Im looking forward to when Mark and I get our own house and start a family. I know the time is getting closer. Im keeping my fingers crossed.

I am still (un)fortunately working at Best Buy, fulltime. Making money right? And Mark is working for Trion, a gaming company. Which is awesome. Its what he wants to do.

My One year plan(By April of 2012): Finish school and be a Licensed Massage Therapist. Have a job in Massage/Therapy. Be pregnant. Pay off Marks Car and have less than $5k debt.

Three Year Plan(April 2014): Either be looking or have already found a house(preferably already in a house). Considering baby #2. Have my own massage clientele and rent out a room for massage. Being going back to school for Therapy. Have no debt that isnt manageable and planned. (E.g. Buy a new bed and know we have 4 months to pay it off)

Fingers crossed. I miss you all. See you in July!
<3 Cris

Just wanna say....

I have had an awesome day so far today. Seriously. I havent stopped smiling all day. Things are looking up for Mark and I. Here are some of the highlights of my day so far:

-Woke up kinda tired. Got ready for work and arrived a little early. Yaaay!
-Saw 'Mr.Y' today. He always makes me smile. And he winked at me. Little bit of harmless flirting and butt staring. No big deal.
-No douche bag managers today! THANK YOU.
-Really nice customers. We were also very slow as well.
-Random customer told me he loved my hair. And I was gorgeous. And my nose ring was cute. And kept staring and complimenting me. I knew where this was going. And he saw the ring. Thank you for not being creepy or overstepping sir. You made my day better though. Be proud. We had a nice 35 minute conversation.
-Next customer in cameras. You were really nice as well. I loved talking to you and being educated.
-Lots of intelligent conversations all day
-We may have found buyers for some stuff we are selling. Looking at $200 maybe?

Anyways. School starts in 6 days. Ive been mostly sticking to my diet. I can do this. I mean, Im already sexy. But think about how fucking amazing Id look at 135lbs. Seriously. Amazing.

Hello World

Well Today Ill try to keep this mostly upbeat. How about an update for my 25? Only 75 more days until my 25th birthday!!

1. Eliminating debt. Not going to happen. But it is well on it's way to dissolving.
2. Lose 30lbs. As of this week I have started watching what I eat more carefully. Once I start exercising I should see results very soon. I plan to lose the last bit very soon.
3. Massage Therapy. STARTING in 7 days. My dream is coming true!
4. Run a 5k. One day....
5. Cook 15 meals. Ive lost count. Ill cook a few more then cross this off.
6. Not going to happen. We actually just closed our saving accounts. But if you count my stock I have $1k.
8. I should probably start on the scrapbooks...
9. Camping or hiking....cross you fingers
10. Motorcycle lesson. This might be after. We need money for this and well...debt comes first
11. New bed. Again, maybe not, maybe for Christmas.
12. Oh my poor book, When will you ever be done?
13. 3-5 New pairs of shoes. Heh. I picked alot to do with $$.
14. Need to get rid of more. Especially when I lose weight.
15. Mini-Honeymoon. Oh the $.
16. Sew more. Yes I will have to for Otakon.
17. Spa Day. $
18. More pictures. In progress. I wont see my family until after my birthday so it will have to wait.
19. Still growing. Had 1 inch cut off.
20. I actually started 2 days ago whitening my teeth with peroxide and baking soda.
22. Pull-ups. Not gonna happen if I dont get motivated.
24. We just have to pick a date!
25. I just asked and we are doing this on my birthday!

So work has been pretty terrible. I hate it. It makes me so miserable. I dont want to play the game anymore. Im done.

Boys suck. Im on my own again. Which is how I want it. Things should be back to normal soon. Im kinda pissed off at myself. I wish people would stop thinking that they knew me. They dont and never will. Its just the way my life works. And I dont want them to psychoanalyze me. Seriously. They will never understand. :D

In other news. Mark and I are doing quite well. Our relationship has been growing and maturing more and more. We are constantly learning more about ourselves. We have decided to look into certain activities that some may find abnormal or unacceptable. But its our life. Glad you guys support us. Ill write more about it as events unfold.

Mark and I have been making more friends outside of my work. Which is great. I don't need anymore friends from there. Way too much drama. Its so not good for me. We have been going out with these new friends and having a great time. Opening new doors.

Mark also started his new job making more money and more opportunity for advancement I hope. I start massage school and one day everything will be awesome. We are just taking life, one day at a time.

This is the Story of a Girl

So when I used to write blogs in middle and high school they were usually about a depressed girl that came home crying everyday because the kids teased her. Because her hair was too short and she was nice to everyone. She was permanently removed from the 'cool kids' group when she was in the 4th grade for being friends with a funny red headed boy who like to sing. He became her best friend. He made her happy in many ways. In 1995 she began to write stories of kids who were different. Kids with powers to control the elements. She would dream for hours, lost in her world. The kids at school took advantage of her happiness. Her mom would tell her she was beautiful and not to listen to those kids because they were jealous. At school they would corner her and threaten her. Pushing and shoving and the occasional slap. She cowered constantly. How could anyone have so much hatred towards someone they didnt even know? She went to school every morning in pain due to stress of being picked on. Boys taunted her on the bus ride home. Girls spread rumors like posion.

One day in high school she stood up to a girl in gym. The girl hissed and threatened but punishment never came. She decided she wouldnt be picked on anymore. She would stand her ground and fight back. And the girls backed down. She became more confident. She fell in love with a beautiful boy who was as broken as her. Only she didnt know that at the time. They showered each other with love and attention. More than she had ever had. He owned her heart. Her soul. She gave him everything. He followed his dream one day and she watched him be happy. He was gone for long periods of time protecting what he loved. She fell to a level of sadness she had not been prepared for. But she survived every month until he came home. His mother hated her. She spun lies. He had to go and the girl cried. She cried like she had never cried before. And she never saw him again. He abandoned her for months. She lost herself. What happened to that happy girl who made everyone feel better?

This madness swallowed her up. She fell into a darkness she couldnt escape. The pain was so agonizing she would cry for hours. She needed physical pain to cover the emotional turmoil. She couldnt think, couldnt concentrate. No one could help her. Then one day she turned the pain into hatred. Hatred for the one who did this to her. She wanted nothing more than be angry. She decided she would become better because of her pain. But she didnt. her motivation was gone. She tried to fool herself into being happy. Everything she did was a constant reminder of him. She was drowning and no one knew.

She went to college and started working harder. Eventually the pain became manageable. She had other relationships. Good and bad. She made decisions to try not to care so much but her mind was always on over drive. She thought about everything way too much. She couldnt fall asleep at night unless she focused on the one thing that she could lose herself in. A book. Her book. A book that made her smile and giggle. This book she had created in her mind all those years ago. This book that she had started writing in 1997. This book that year after year she swore she would finish writing and allow others to enjoy her happiness. But it was never finished.

She found a boy who made her happy. This happiness turned to love and adoration. But she was broken and stubborn. And he was headstrong and sad. They mended each other as best they could. And she was crazy. She explained to him in great detail. He laughed and soon learned she was right. She was needed constant attention, she was jealous and over protective, when she wanted things, she wanted them then and not later, she whined and cried all the time. She was over emotional and couldnt control how she felt sometimes and he was to understand that no matter what. She argued just so she could make him mad at her. She was so broken from her last love. She couldnt feel remorse for the pains he brought him. She wouldnt apologize because she refused to lie to him. He put up with her irrational behavior, her obsessive complusive disorder, her organized chaos and her need for constant attention.

They made a life together. And decided to move to a better place. A place where they could start new and be happy. And they were. Until the reality set in. Forever. It might be forever in this place. This temporary place where they were supposed to find footing in life and then go home.

She felt broken all over again. She screamed and threatened and said things she would regret. She lost her grip on life. She fell into a black hole and lost all light. But there was a rope around her. All she had to do was pull it. But she refused. She couldnt accept the possible solution. She would never be happy again. Never. She drowned herself in her own misery.

She lost her grip on reality. She needed help so badly. Her love didnt understand. She couldnt tell him because he couldnt relate to her pain. She laid at her lowest for almost a month. She had thoughts of making everything go away. Not by suicide. But by not existing. She couldnt cope with existing. That was her problem. She wouldnt feel the pain anymore if she could just disappear. Running. Thats all she had done most of her life. But why should she be unhappy? She grabbed the rope and pulled gently and began to climb out of the hole. The light became brighter. She resented the light.

She decided to follow a dream she once had. To fix people. To make people better. She had done so much healing in her life for other people. But she couldnt heal herself. She signed up for school to become a healer. She soon began to submerge herself into things that make her happy and people that make her happy.

Each day she struggles but survives. She gets a little bit closer to the edge of the hole everyday. Some days she slips and falls a little. But she always regains her footing. She appreciates what her friends say to her and how they just want to help. She knows she'll never be fully understood because no one could ever understand how her psychotic, messed up, twisted, delusional, loving, caring, smothering, obsessive, compulsive, neurotic, jealous, over active, imaginative, moody, vengeful, intelligent and insane brain actually works. As much as they think they know her, as much as she shares with others, no one really knows her as well as they think.

So this is the story of a girl who is awesome. Who dreams. Who just wants to be happy. And thinks way too much.