So when I used to write blogs in middle and high school they were usually about a depressed girl that came home crying everyday because the kids teased her. Because her hair was too short and she was nice to everyone. She was permanently removed from the 'cool kids' group when she was in the 4th grade for being friends with a funny red headed boy who like to sing. He became her best friend. He made her happy in many ways. In 1995 she began to write stories of kids who were different. Kids with powers to control the elements. She would dream for hours, lost in her world. The kids at school took advantage of her happiness. Her mom would tell her she was beautiful and not to listen to those kids because they were jealous. At school they would corner her and threaten her. Pushing and shoving and the occasional slap. She cowered constantly. How could anyone have so much hatred towards someone they didnt even know? She went to school every morning in pain due to stress of being picked on. Boys taunted her on the bus ride home. Girls spread rumors like posion.
One day in high school she stood up to a girl in gym. The girl hissed and threatened but punishment never came. She decided she wouldnt be picked on anymore. She would stand her ground and fight back. And the girls backed down. She became more confident. She fell in love with a beautiful boy who was as broken as her. Only she didnt know that at the time. They showered each other with love and attention. More than she had ever had. He owned her heart. Her soul. She gave him everything. He followed his dream one day and she watched him be happy. He was gone for long periods of time protecting what he loved. She fell to a level of sadness she had not been prepared for. But she survived every month until he came home. His mother hated her. She spun lies. He had to go and the girl cried. She cried like she had never cried before. And she never saw him again. He abandoned her for months. She lost herself. What happened to that happy girl who made everyone feel better?
This madness swallowed her up. She fell into a darkness she couldnt escape. The pain was so agonizing she would cry for hours. She needed physical pain to cover the emotional turmoil. She couldnt think, couldnt concentrate. No one could help her. Then one day she turned the pain into hatred. Hatred for the one who did this to her. She wanted nothing more than be angry. She decided she would become better because of her pain. But she didnt. her motivation was gone. She tried to fool herself into being happy. Everything she did was a constant reminder of him. She was drowning and no one knew.
She went to college and started working harder. Eventually the pain became manageable. She had other relationships. Good and bad. She made decisions to try not to care so much but her mind was always on over drive. She thought about everything way too much. She couldnt fall asleep at night unless she focused on the one thing that she could lose herself in. A book. Her book. A book that made her smile and giggle. This book she had created in her mind all those years ago. This book that she had started writing in 1997. This book that year after year she swore she would finish writing and allow others to enjoy her happiness. But it was never finished.
She found a boy who made her happy. This happiness turned to love and adoration. But she was broken and stubborn. And he was headstrong and sad. They mended each other as best they could. And she was crazy. She explained to him in great detail. He laughed and soon learned she was right. She was needed constant attention, she was jealous and over protective, when she wanted things, she wanted them then and not later, she whined and cried all the time. She was over emotional and couldnt control how she felt sometimes and he was to understand that no matter what. She argued just so she could make him mad at her. She was so broken from her last love. She couldnt feel remorse for the pains he brought him. She wouldnt apologize because she refused to lie to him. He put up with her irrational behavior, her obsessive complusive disorder, her organized chaos and her need for constant attention.
They made a life together. And decided to move to a better place. A place where they could start new and be happy. And they were. Until the reality set in. Forever. It might be forever in this place. This temporary place where they were supposed to find footing in life and then go home.
She felt broken all over again. She screamed and threatened and said things she would regret. She lost her grip on life. She fell into a black hole and lost all light. But there was a rope around her. All she had to do was pull it. But she refused. She couldnt accept the possible solution. She would never be happy again. Never. She drowned herself in her own misery.
She lost her grip on reality. She needed help so badly. Her love didnt understand. She couldnt tell him because he couldnt relate to her pain. She laid at her lowest for almost a month. She had thoughts of making everything go away. Not by suicide. But by not existing. She couldnt cope with existing. That was her problem. She wouldnt feel the pain anymore if she could just disappear. Running. Thats all she had done most of her life. But why should she be unhappy? She grabbed the rope and pulled gently and began to climb out of the hole. The light became brighter. She resented the light.
She decided to follow a dream she once had. To fix people. To make people better. She had done so much healing in her life for other people. But she couldnt heal herself. She signed up for school to become a healer. She soon began to submerge herself into things that make her happy and people that make her happy.
Each day she struggles but survives. She gets a little bit closer to the edge of the hole everyday. Some days she slips and falls a little. But she always regains her footing. She appreciates what her friends say to her and how they just want to help. She knows she'll never be fully understood because no one could ever understand how her psychotic, messed up, twisted, delusional, loving, caring, smothering, obsessive, compulsive, neurotic, jealous, over active, imaginative, moody, vengeful, intelligent and insane brain actually works. As much as they think they know her, as much as she shares with others, no one really knows her as well as they think.
So this is the story of a girl who is awesome. Who dreams. Who just wants to be happy. And thinks way too much.
