Have you ever wanted to kill yourself just to prove to someone that maybe you actually would? Because that person is such an insensitive dick and doesnt understand how helpless you feel sometimes that you might actually do it just because. Yeah I might not ever do it. Because I want kids one day, because I need to help people, because there is no point doing it if all I have to do is leave you to make my life so much better. SO MUCH BETTER. And yet so much worse.
I have this unforgiving need to die. Not kill myself but die. I cant help but to find myself not caring if I get into a car accident. Everytime I drive I wonder how quick it would be if I get went off the overpass. How fast could I die if I hit the water. If I stood under something looming dangerously at work would it hit me hard enough to just end it. If I buy a plane ticket, would I be lucky enough for it to explode midair? Could the lightning storm just happen to strike the exact spot I stand? If I touch enough power outlets and electrical devices could one finally make me not have to think about all the shit you put me through.
Its jsut one of my moods. The depressive one that you dont seem to understand ever. The one that you think when we have a problem if you just ignore everything will be ok and fix itself. Remember its my problem, right? If I hold on to grudges its because I have a screw loose. /shrug
And its been like this for months. Seriously. How can something make you so happy and yet so sad?
Anyways...thats life. And thats what everyone else experiences, I just have the balls to write about it.
