Money money Money!

Im so exhausted. So entirely done with the current phase of our lives.

Living with Roommates is great. Most of the time. But life is happening and now the house is sad. Sad and depressing and draining. We are all so busy. No one has time to keep up with cleaning and organizing. There arent messes or trash all over the place. Small things I imagine a Mom would overlook while taking care of kids, running errands and cooking all the time.

Mark and I have been working overtime. His is more mandatory and mine is more let's flood our bank account with as much money as I can earn without burning myself out. Which turns out isn't too much. But it's plenty. We will actually have close to $6000 left over after we CLOSE on the house.

Now we did go a little overboard and spend just over $1200 on Black Friday. We did get a few things for the house. Shower curtains! Regardless, that accrued debt will be eliminated very soon! There is some God of Fortune smiling down on us. I am not in any way rubbing this into anyone's face or gloating.

So Mark and I took advantage of making a decent amount in our early 20's. We gained a small bit of debt. Acquired a few dings against our credit. But as we matured we began to pay off the debt and not rely on it so much. Well after we moved to TX I took a closer look at our debt and saw that we were paying over $200 a month in interest. $200 each month just thrown out the window. We were drowning in  debt and it was less that $15k. We buckled down, we still ate out, we still flew home to see my family, we went to movies and bought stuff. BUT only if we had the cash after paying out bills that month.

I became obsessed with number. I have notebooks filled with possibilities. It's a therapy to me. We opened another credit card, I got an incredible limit (well for me) and no interest financing for 16 months. We transferred the balance of that evil high interest card of Mark's and BAM. PAID ALL OF THE DEBT off in less than 2 years. Now we did go buy a $4500 bed (on 5 years no interest) but you better believe that shit is going to be paid off ASAP. Like maybe this year (we have 3 years left).

The point is. Mark got a great job that he loves and is happy with. The have mandatory overtime during busy seasons. My jobs allow me to pick up hours whenever I want. Mark is getting paid for stupid non existent holidays (like Black Friday!?), not that I am complaining. I just got a Holiday bonus from one job! Wasn't expecting that. Mark's Dad has his wages garnished for Child Support and we got a check for $500. Our seller just offered to pay and fix a bunch of stuff. Basically money is falling into our laps at all the right times. I feel like we deserve a break and this good fortune.

Don't worry I am still throwing out all the energy and time and money I can spare to help others. It's finally paying off.

I have a notebook filled with drawings and lists specifically for our new home!

Keep your fingers crossed for us! Ill be wishing the best for you too!

A What? A house!? And you need to do what?

Great news!

We are finally buying a house! Yay!

It started off with us moving in with amazing friends! That allowed us to save money! It happened just in time too. Mark finally had sinus surgery ($1000+), car insurance was due ($550) and my transmission blew ($1900). Wow.

We were still able to save. But Mark still didnt feel comfortable living with other people. And I did want my own space. We needed our own place!

After talking with our Mortgage guy and being told I have AMAZING credit (see past entries). We have very little debt ($2000 0% interest for 3 more years for our awesome bed) and some savings, like $3500. We saved a few more thousand since then. Our Realtor looked at houses with us every week!

After looking at a bunch of houses. Getting an offer or two rejected for someone elses. But finally one got accepted. After much disappointment and frustration. I was almost ready to just say fuck it.

Then we made our offer. The home was listed at 142,900. With foundation issues at an estimated $5k. And the seller was negotiating with a cash buyer. Damnit. So we offered 148,000. The seller pays $3000 in closing costs and pays (about $1k) tax and title stuff on the condition that the foundation be repaired before we move it. And he accepted! Yaay!

Then we get the inspection from the last buyer from May. Oh shit. Seriously, 17 pages of stuff. From damaged roofing, minor leaks and water damage, issues with every ceiling fan, leaky water faucets, missing fire detectors in all bedrooms, ungrounded outlets, uninsulated lines and skylight, almost every closet door has issues and more! Oh man. So Mark and I went through the list together and decided. We still want the house but we need more inspections.

We are having our Home Inspector come out on Tuesday. Roofer is coming by tuesday as well to let us know the condition of the roof if regards to the missing/damaged shingles and water damage on the soffit and fascia. Electrician will be out tomorrow on the condition that the power is on. He will need to come back and ground outlets and fix fans, lights and whatever else. This guy is also a handyman. Maybe I can get an estimate on other stuff too. Last will be HVAC. I want to be assured that the Heating and Air conditioner are in great working condition. It will at the very least need to be cleaned.

So roof estimate...FREE. Electrician will be about $75. And HVAC will be between $65 and $99. So I used this website called Thumbtack. It's AWESOME. I enter the zipcode and info of what I need and when. Then, workers contact me through the site with their offers/estimates. I can message them through the site and ask questions without talking to a single person. It is an Introvert's home buying dream. I love it. Basically, our option period is over wednesday so we have to tell the Seller, Fix this shit or give us money to do it. If it is something ridiculous. If not we have to back out and start all over. Sigh. Come on good luck!

So tomorrow, Electrician. Tuesday inspection and Roofer. Wednesday HVAC and Thanksgiving Eve. Thursday Thanksgiving. Then Black Friday!

Is it terrible that Im designing furniture that I am going to build, makign 100 million lists of everything/anything and looking at Dogs so that Kodak has a friend when we move (and cats :D and chickens). The list goes on.

Until next time, my friends! <3 p="">

Another Path Taken

So Mark and I came to the realization Monday that getting a house this year doesn't seem feasible. Lame. Which means us getting foster kids might be closer to 2 years from now. And Im ok with that. But we have to renew our lease in August for another 6 months to keep out of debt and save more money....Right now our most costly expense's will be:

• Car Work- Just paid $545 for my non working rear breaks :( 
• Replace Mark's Bumper (Now causing more damage to his car) $800/asap
• My Bday $300 (New Sewing Machine?) June
• Marks Bday $300 (Who knows?) July
• Family Reunion in June in Baltimore (Missing work pay)
• Otakon in August $2000+ (Plane trips, strip club, dog/cat sitter, parking fees, entertainment)
• JROTC/10 year reunion trip $500 October
• Mark needs 2 Root canals and his wisdom teeth surgically removed $1000
• Mark Sleep Study $100?
• Mark Midfacial Degloving (dont google that) TOO MUCH MONEY $5k? in Houston
• And then Christmas, ROT Rally, Renn Faire, Schlitterbahn, Hawaiian Falls and whatever other adventures occur this year

So basically, we have $450 worth of credit card debt. $2000k in savings for our home down payment (With a goal of $7k-9k?) And all of the above listed to be paid this year. Yay! Mark has agreed to work overtime when he is offered it. I am picking up some shifts at School. I also have a contract to do chair massage downtown at the end of the month and I might get over $700 for 2 days worth of work. Yay and awesome!!

I received my Massage Therapist Instructor's License in the mail this week! Very exciting. I got to talk to Dad for 20 minutes, which we both agreed was a record. He just doesnt have long conversations over the phone. But I really appreciated the chat. He is having 6 more weeks of IV antibiotics (after the last 3 months of IV Antibiotics....) to get rid of the infection in his knee (MRSA) so he can have the spacer replaced with a titanium knee. If his kidneys do not fair well (theyve failed twice already) he will need to have his leg amputated. Sigh.

I ran today! Im awesome. I plan on running/walking almost everyday! Time to lose some weight. Again. This time, let's keep it off. Mark and I went grocery shopping and picked up all kinds of goodies including veggies and salad shit. Yep either eggs, chicken and salmon! I am giving myself 2 week goals. The first two weeks include:

• Drink 10 cups of water
• 3-4 Smaller Meals
• 7ish hours of Sleep
• 20 minutes Walk/Run
• Push Ups
• Sit Ups
• Gym/Strength Training
• Eat Veggies and Fruits
• Limit Sweets
• Attempt to log Calories

Shouldn't be too complicated right? My starting Weight? Who knows. Last month the sleep Dr weighed me in at !74 with my clothes on. Not horrible....So if I feel satisfied with my goal keeping in 2 weeks I will:

1. Buy a Scale (Or see if replacing the batteries in the old one fixes it)
2. Consider getting a fitness Diary or blogging more >.>
3. Buy Running Shorts?
4. Get a Tan
5. Buy a New Notebook for Designing dresses and costumes (You know with my new sewing machine I might get for my Bday!?
6. Brew some of my own Kombucha!? (Wow, this chia shit is awesome)

A few things to keep in mind with my Narcolepsy. Provigil can suppress the appetite, which would be awesome. Come on medicine and side effects! Carbs and large meals cause sleep attacks and increase my EDS (excessive daytime sleepiness, think of how you feel after staying awake for 3 days straight, that's me). I need to wake up as soon as the alarm goes off. NO SNOOZING. I need to drink much more water, I am always so dehydrated and that contributes to my hunger.

Alright my non existent readers. Good day!

Newest Obsession

Since I have recently recovered from my latest baby kick/need to reproduce, I have found a possible compromise to my situation. If you didn't know, Mark is adamantly CF aka Child-Free. Now when we first started dating in 2005 I was on birth control. It was clear I was not interested in having kids at that time. Over the next year or so we had discussed baby names. It was pretty exciting. But we never discussed when and what needed to happen before we introduced children into our lives. Now almost 10 years later I am on my second 5 year birth control. I made it clear that I want kids, just not right now. Or so I thought. Somewhere a line was blurred and I guess a conversation was never had on what we were going to do.

Eventually after many tears and heart ache Mark and I gave each other ultimatums. His was first, If you want kids you need to divorce me. I am never fathering children. I countered months later after going through a nice depressive numbing state. I countered with mine, If we do not have kids together, we are getting divorced in 2 months. Well obviously that didn't go well for either of us. It was extremely emotional and tense. I explained that I understood his stance. He did not want kids. And I did not want him to be unhappy and stuck.

 I wasn't about to force him into having kids. This isn't something you can compromise on. There's no let's try it. Let's split it fifty fifty. No compromise at all. We either do and I am happy. And he is miserable for the rest of his life. Or we don't and he is happy and I resent him for the rest of our lives. Now it might not work that way exactly. He could fall completely in love with the kid and be endlessly happy. Or I could not have kids and we would have money, time and energy to do so much! Travel, have tons of pets, spoil ourselves, anything! Not that we couldn't do that with a kid, it's just more expensive and a bit more complicated.

Now I am completely understanding of his position. We enjoy our time alone. The quiet time. The fun time. We can do things on the drop of a dime. We have money to spend as we wish. We are saving for a house, a new car, future home projects, a garden, cruises/vacations, airfare and other endless things. We don't have people who depend on us every single day. He doesn't need to explain why he doesn't want kids, it doesn't really matter. I thought I could change his mind by giving him solutions to his apprehensions. But CF is CF. People often say he will change his mind or once you have kids he will love them endlessly or you are still young. Well 27 and 28 isn't that young. Yes, we have plenty of years to have kids. He won't change his mind, it happens, but that bullshit. He is old enough to know. And sure, he could love them endlessly but if he doesn't?

I am unsure. Do I even want kids? Is it just the way I was brought up? Am I just following some American dream? Find a man, get married, buy a house, get a dog and have babies, right? Am I just brainwashed into thinking I want kids. They are an awful big responsibility. I have issues. I recognize that. What if we have kids and it is a mistake? I don't have a support system. All of my family is out of state. How would we pay for a kid? We make enough money to support us now, not necessarily another person.

But the idea of raising a child created from the two of us was magical. Teaching that child the lessons and values I think every person should have. Celebrating holidays and creating traditions. The time and emotion it takes to care, clean, dress, teach and raise a child, I have that! I have that drive. I feel like I need to have children one day (not now) to be happy and complete. It wasn't something I was willing to give up. As I explained to Mark, it was non negotiable. I was having kids. With or without him. And yes I valued having kids more that our relationship.

Well the ball was in his court. He valued us more than children and wasn't willing to end our relationship. He agreed to have 1 kid. Someday. But he doesn't want it. And I feel shitty because I can't force him into this situation. So now Im sitting here, feeling like a bitch, because if I get what I want it is at his expense. Or I can be miserable and yet happy, maybe unfulfilled and still have my life partner.

The point of this post now that the background information is there. Fostering. I want to become a foster parent. I mentioned it to Mark. He is also apprehensive about this idea. But I think this is somewhat a compromise. I could get the interaction with children that I want/need. And eventually they will go back to their birth families or get adopted. I was thinking of doing short term fostering (weekends, a few months, etc) and children over the age of 7. Maybe 9? And up to 17 years old. There are classes and support groups for foster parents.

Now I have been told that I don't really want to foster. And that pisses me off. I hate being told I can not do something or that I shouldn't. I don't make my decisions lightly. I am calculating. I plan. I think of many possibilities and paths my choices can take me. People keep telling me I can't plan when I have a kid. Fuck you. Yes I can. I can plan it all the way down to how I have my baby. Now obviously it will happen when it does but it won't come as a surprise to me. And I know I can't control everything, I am not dense.

Anyways! Mark and I just had a conversation. Literally after I wrote that last paragraph he came home from work. He isn't as apprehensive as I thought. He agreed on my ideas of fostering. We even talked about the classes for foster parents. It might happen one day! Fingers crossed!

TL DR:  Mark doesn't want kids. I do. Foster parenting as compromise?

Hey All! Two posts in One Day!

So my Obsessive Compulsive Woman mind likes to think of crazy random off the wall ideas. And then I will obsess over them for long periods of times just throwing the idea around and think of various situations.

From October until February I was obsessed with the idea of having children. Babies. I think the main trigger to this obsession besides everyone getting fucking pregnant but me, was the Holidays. They mean so much to me because they were the times when my family got together and celebrated. We had traditions. We had things and stuff we did EVERY YEAR. And us being is TX meant none of that. I got to listen to my family have fun and celebrate without me. Talk about a blow to the heart strings. I needed that.  Mark agreed that if he has to become a father to stay with me he will do it (begrudgingly like an ass). So I like to plan as seen in my other posts. I made a list and asked Mark to contribute to it. He did reluctantly. Things that need to happen before a kid is introduced.

• Be 145lbs (or an acceptable weight) If this doesnt happen before Im pregnant, it never will
• Own a house
• Pay Off our debt
• Have 6 month savings
• Have $6k saved up for a down payment for a new/used car (family friendly)
• $$ and a  game plan (I stay home 3 months, go part time 3 months, daycare, etc)
• Take an Alaskan Cruise
• Mark wants his own room (hobby room)
• Go to Vegas (for Otakon Vegas?)
• Travel maybe? Go to Japan, Europe, Carl's Bad Caverns, Yellowstone, etc

I asked Mark when he would be alright with discussing our plans to breed. He didn't answer. I suggested my next birthday. He responded with and I quote, "BUT your birthday is in June." Isntantly my head goes, I know when the fuck my birthday is. Duh. But I had to internally debate on whether he wanted to talk earlier (not likely) or the idea that he didn't think I could keep from bringing it up until then (very likely). Either way, everyone around me is getting pregnant and having their 1st, 2nd and 3rd children (or 4th...)

But then I woke up one day in February, Mark and I both had off. We snuggled and slept in late. Then we had adult time. And stayed in bed longer. Then it hit me, if we had kids, this would likely never happen again. Fuck that! Sigh, one day. Im just not ready. Not right now. Dont tell Mark.

I had a sleep study done. I was having more trouble than usual staying awake and alert during the day. I did the multiple sleep latency test (MSLT) where they give you 7.5 hours of sleep and then give you 5 30 minute naps at 8a, 10a, 12p, 2p and 4p. Normal people fall asleep after 10 minutes during the day. And in a 30 minute nap, they do NOT dream. Not usually. Over night I slept 7 hours and 13 minutes and woke up on average 10 times per hour (this is normal, think shifting positions, brain flicking on for a few seconds, etc). So I slept well, my sleep cycle was normal.

Now the MSLT. Nap 1 and 5, at 8a and 4p, I fell asleep in 3 minutes. The other 3 naps, 10a, 12p and 2p, I fell asleep in 4-5 minutes. I dreamed in 3 of the 5 naps. My dream in nap 3 lasted over 7 minutes. During the day, my body does not function correctly and doe not stay stimulated.

Rewind to my childhood. My first sleep issues started in Elementary school. I had incredibly vivid dreams. I could remember them in intense details. I dream in color. I also feel pain in my dreams sometimes. Im not very good at controlling what I do in my dreams but I usually have some influence. My other issue, which our Doctor wasn't able to help or give us any info on was my Sleep paralysis. Now, with the internet, we can read about sleep paralysis. When you dream in REM sleep your body goes paralyses itself the prevent you from acting out your dreams and hurting yourself. Well my body, likes to forget to un-paralyze itself sometimes. So a few times a month I would wake up unable to move, having difficulty breathing, panic hitting me like bricks. I would have vivid hallucinations of things in the room with me or me screaming and no one hearing me.  I still have an episode once a month or so.

Then in middle and high school I began to fall asleep during class. I love school and it was absolutely embarrassing to not be able to keep my eyes open. I started napping frequently. I would fall asleep in meetings, while watching movies and other inappropriate times. I would have urges to fall asleep while driving. I would have to stop driving or hit my leg as hard as I could to try and keep my brain stimulated. It got pretty scary.

When I worked at Gamestop I was convinced there was a Carbon monoxide leak and it was sucking the life from us. And we were more and more fatigued the longer we were there. Then I found out that wasn't a symptom of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. I did a sleep study in 2004 and I was diagnosed with a slight case of sleep apnea and Excessive Daytime Sleepiness. The medicine they wanted to put me on was still new-ish. They didn't know how it would effect birth control. I wasn't ready to risk that at 17. So I suffered and struggled. I thought it was normal. Everyone was hopped up on caffeine and energy drinks.

I started taking caffeine pills. They helped me for a good 8 hours. Then I would crash. So badly, I was dead to the world. But the caffeine pills started to wreck my stomach. My IBS got worse. I couldn't keep taking them. I turned to energy drinks. I don't do well with carbonated beverages. Then this magically 6 hour energy shot came out. 2 shots per drink. It was a miracle pill...err...drink. But they were $4 a pop. Ouch. But it would get scary when I was driving. I would struggle. Daily. I didnt want to put myself or others at risk. Sometimes my mind would go blank and when I was aware again I was home. I would drive miles and be at my destination. I would stop at stop signs and red lights. I wouldn't tailgate. I had adequate time and space (Thanks Mom) between myself and other vehicles.

So  I decided to have another sleep study. The one I listed above. I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. Grade A Narcolepsy. From Wikipedia "Narcolepsy is  a chronic neurological disorder caused by the brain's inability to regulate sleep-wake cycles normally. Narcoleptics, when falling asleep, generally experience the REM stage of sleep within 5 minutes, while most people do not experience REM sleep until an hour or so later." 

There is no cure for narcolepsy, only treatments. The medicine I was prescribed was Modafinil/provigil. The same medicine I was given almost 10 years ago. But now they say it only lessens my Birth control from 99% to 95%/. Oh well. The kicker, they don't know who the medicine works, only that it does. I do not just fall asleep (that's only in the movies). I know when I am having an episode. I can prevent/stop/lessen the need to sleep by talking to people, taking something, moving around, napping or just sucking it up.

So Im still struggling a bit. Working on dosage and all that. I found out that what Ive been experiencing are called sleep paralysis, hypnopompic hallucinations, automatic behavior and excessive daytime sleepiness. I do not suffer from Cataplexy. Which 70% of narcoleptics suffer from. It is a terrible symptom consisting of losing control of your muscles while experiencing certain emotions, laughter, saddness, orgasm or any other intense emotion. Fingers crossed it never happens.

Round 7...8? Ok, so I'm terrible at Blogging....

Alright, So an Update is in order!

Mid and Late 2012: I became a Massage Therapist! I started working at a Massage Chain and took a few more continuing education classes. I started performing massages at Mark's work and picked up a few clients. Mark got a promotion! Mark had his nose and throat surgery in December. We also finally for Blair-cat fixed. Poor kid and Grizzle Bear, they were surgery buddies.

 Met my current best friend Sarah. She's Jewish and her Mom invites Mark and I over for Sabbath and holidays and make home made magical delicious in their beautiful. Sarah works at a hospital and is going to school full-time to become a nurse. I've been dragging her through my shenanigans when she let's me!

I went drinking on Halloween (my new tradition as of 2010). And threw up from drinking for the first time EVER. It may have gone out the passengers side window and back in the back window where Sarah was sitting (just a few drops...) and may have hit Mark (who was driving). He wasn't happy at all.

Finally quit my job merchandising. Although I do miss it. The pay was ok. I loved the schedule even though I struggled sometimes (see new diagnosis in 2014). It helped my OCD and made me happy with it's simplicity and ability to let me be creative and use my brain some.


In 2013, we rescued a pup and named her Kodak! Pain in my ass. She had kennel cough when we got her. I could actually smell the infection in her. She's adorable and goofy and so underweight. Being child free we spoiled the shit out of her.

I also smoked pot for the first time. For about a month. Then I told Mark and he flipped his shit. It was great. Fuck you if you're judging me. It's better than drinking alcohol and natural. People get high all the time from nicotine and caffeine. Pot isn't any different (well it's currently illegal but we are getting there) Plus 80% of the people here in Austin smoke. So Mark said we could re-discuss this 'issue' when it's legal. I didn't waste away, I came home, had a bowel, cleaned the house, ate a snack, napped, greeted Mark when he came home. No issues. Bills got paid, I didn't miss work, I didn't PMS like a psycho, we didn't argue ONE. It was a win-win. Whatever.

I also cut my hair short. I love it! Julia and Johnny got married and I was a bridesmaid. I flew back to MD by myself to see them. Jenny, Julia, Andrea and Candice all got pregnant. God damn. Fuck me. Mark refuses to have kids. I gave him an ultimatum. It was a bitch move but he did it first. He's welcome to change his mind. But Im not sticking around. A book may come out of this.

I got a hotel this round for Halloween. Best idea ever. Did not throw up this time. My massage business is doing really well. I have a few more clients (Im not looking to be fulltime yet).

2014: Wow, We have paid off Marks Car ($18k in 2012), paid for my school ($7k in 2013) and reduced our credit card debt from $11,900 to $415. Which we fully intend to pay off very soon. We have almost $2k in our savings account. We are saving that and more for a down payment for a house in August, Fingers crossed! Our jobs haven't changed. We don't make a lot of money. We eat out frequently. We see movies and have fun every week/month. We are doing great!

Jenny had her baby in February. She had the first girl born into our family since Candice in 1988. Candice is due in July and Julia is due in August.

Ok, new post time!

Its been a While! I have some exciting News!

Pfft Im not having a baby or anything...Lawls. I realize this is the First Entry of 2012. Ive been updating my other Blog about losing weight and all that good stuff pretty regularly though.

Quick Update: Still $12k in Debt. Matt and Carol wedding in October. Tough Mudder is the week before the wedding (See other blog). Finished school, dropped off the face of the Earth for 2 months while I finished my Internship (Jan-Feb). Passed my Licensing Exam! And now Im awaiting the approval of my Massage License App.

The Point of this Update! My Business Plan!

1. Have a Website Designed by Steve (7ish Pages, including About, Services/Rates/Discounts, Why Massage, Gift Cards, Contact/Hours, FAQs and Policies) Pick my own Domain Name. Woot.

2. Create an Email Account (Will do once Domain Name is saved)

3. Business Cards (I know Im slacking, 2 sided, Business info on front, Appoint Reminder on back)

4. Google Voice Account, Calls are forwarded to my phone then I am given the Option to Answer or send it to VM. "Hi you have reached C------ M-------, Licensed Massage Therapist, I am unable to take your call right now, Please leave your Name, Number and a Message and I will get to you as soon as I can. Thank you for calling" (Google voice then transcribes those messages into TEXT, how awesome)

5. Update Intake Form. Form Currently Says Student Massage. Wont take Long.

6. Underage Form, for Clients under the legal age of Consent.

7. Budget- How much $ do I need to Start Up? Not much, doing this the easy way! Basically redoing most of the Business HW assignments from School.

8. Advertisement Flyer with Pull Tabs (Discounted Service, My Apartment Complex only, Offer valid until Oct 1st, Get some experience without driving all over Austin)

Finding the Sunshine in the Rain

So, it's been a while. Not that anyone reads this.

Anyways, for the first time this year I feel like everything is starting to go my way. Like everything is finally coming together. Kinda. I mean, honestly, this was the worst fucking year of my life. Mark and I fought a lot, we almost broke up like 5 times. My head wasn't in the game at all. The depression. Oh that evil depression. The lack of weight loss. The no free time, school and work. The tired days and poor days.

But now school is almost over! 5 more weeks! Then a 2 month internship. So end of February I will hopefully be getting my license. Then I have a job interview with a place that pays $25/hour plus tips. My last PTS was Friday and I got a 98%! I'm amazing!

Work is going well. Black friday is next week. So of course itll be hell especially with BBY opening at midnight. Sigh.

But Mark and I are doing much better. We were struggling a bit ago with having to come up with $8k by the end of January. Now we only need $3404. And after this week, $2650. Then half of our debt will be paid off! We will be close to $13k this month. And closer to $9k at the end of January.

We were talking about looking at Houses soon. That could be pretty exciting. Fingers crossed!

Thats it for today. Keep your chin up. Its getting better...

Just Ignore This, this isnt a plea for help. I think you should go fuck yourself if you want to psycho-analyze me right now. :D

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself just to prove to someone that maybe you actually would? Because that person is such an insensitive dick and doesnt understand how helpless you feel sometimes that you might actually do it just because. Yeah I might not ever do it. Because I want kids one day, because I need to help people, because there is no point doing it if all I have to do is leave you to make my life so much better. SO MUCH BETTER. And yet so much worse.

I have this unforgiving need to die. Not kill myself but die. I cant help but to find myself not caring if I get into a car accident. Everytime I drive I wonder how quick it would be if I get went off the overpass. How fast could I die if I hit the water. If I stood under something looming dangerously at work would it hit me hard enough to just end it. If I buy a plane ticket, would I be lucky enough for it to explode midair? Could the lightning storm just happen to strike the exact spot I stand? If I touch enough power outlets and electrical devices could one finally make me not have to think about all the shit you put me through.

Its jsut one of my moods. The depressive one that you dont seem to understand ever. The one that you think when we have a problem if you just ignore everything will be ok and fix itself. Remember its my problem, right? If I hold on to grudges its because I have a screw loose. /shrug

And its been like this for months. Seriously. How can something make you so happy and yet so sad?

Anyways...thats life. And thats what everyone else experiences, I just have the balls to write about it.

Today is the Day

Well I am going to call the First Day of School! Sounds a little silly to me. I haven't been in school in years. Almost 5-6 years I believe. I am excited, so excited. I have been looking forward to this day for years now and it is finally here.

I promise to be a great healer. I want nothing more than to make everyone healthy and happy. I know I have a long tough journey ahead of me. But I will overcome all obstacles and succeed.

I believe this move is a the key to my success and happiness in life. The possibilities are endless. After acheiving my license for massage so many doors will open.

I want to thank my Mom for raising me to be such a strong, caring, open minded daughter. I want to thank my husband Mark who puts up with my whims, constant mood swings and has continued to love me through it all. I want to thank Tom for playing a major role in my decision making to go back to school and constantly encouraging and supporting me every step I take down this path. And Holly, who is a massage therapist herself. Thank you for the books and supplies, they have helped and will help me.

And thank you all for your love and support.
<3
Cris

Oh and an Update on Texas

So for those of you who dont know. We are indeed staying in Texas. Matt and Carol are having a house built so come July, after Otakon Mark and I will be free! Free to get our own place that is. The houses are so nice and clean and new down here. I love it.

The sky is open and you can see for miles. People are nice and there are soo many attractive people in Texas. It makes me happy.

Im looking forward to when Mark and I get our own house and start a family. I know the time is getting closer. Im keeping my fingers crossed.

I am still (un)fortunately working at Best Buy, fulltime. Making money right? And Mark is working for Trion, a gaming company. Which is awesome. Its what he wants to do.

My One year plan(By April of 2012): Finish school and be a Licensed Massage Therapist. Have a job in Massage/Therapy. Be pregnant. Pay off Marks Car and have less than $5k debt.

Three Year Plan(April 2014): Either be looking or have already found a house(preferably already in a house). Considering baby #2. Have my own massage clientele and rent out a room for massage. Being going back to school for Therapy. Have no debt that isnt manageable and planned. (E.g. Buy a new bed and know we have 4 months to pay it off)

Fingers crossed. I miss you all. See you in July!
<3 Cris

Just wanna say....

I have had an awesome day so far today. Seriously. I havent stopped smiling all day. Things are looking up for Mark and I. Here are some of the highlights of my day so far:

-Woke up kinda tired. Got ready for work and arrived a little early. Yaaay!
-Saw 'Mr.Y' today. He always makes me smile. And he winked at me. Little bit of harmless flirting and butt staring. No big deal.
-No douche bag managers today! THANK YOU.
-Really nice customers. We were also very slow as well.
-Random customer told me he loved my hair. And I was gorgeous. And my nose ring was cute. And kept staring and complimenting me. I knew where this was going. And he saw the ring. Thank you for not being creepy or overstepping sir. You made my day better though. Be proud. We had a nice 35 minute conversation.
-Next customer in cameras. You were really nice as well. I loved talking to you and being educated.
-Lots of intelligent conversations all day
-We may have found buyers for some stuff we are selling. Looking at $200 maybe?

Anyways. School starts in 6 days. Ive been mostly sticking to my diet. I can do this. I mean, Im already sexy. But think about how fucking amazing Id look at 135lbs. Seriously. Amazing.

Hello World

Well Today Ill try to keep this mostly upbeat. How about an update for my 25? Only 75 more days until my 25th birthday!!

1. Eliminating debt. Not going to happen. But it is well on it's way to dissolving.
2. Lose 30lbs. As of this week I have started watching what I eat more carefully. Once I start exercising I should see results very soon. I plan to lose the last bit very soon.
3. Massage Therapy. STARTING in 7 days. My dream is coming true!
4. Run a 5k. One day....
5. Cook 15 meals. Ive lost count. Ill cook a few more then cross this off.
6. Not going to happen. We actually just closed our saving accounts. But if you count my stock I have $1k.
8. I should probably start on the scrapbooks...
9. Camping or hiking....cross you fingers
10. Motorcycle lesson. This might be after. We need money for this and well...debt comes first
11. New bed. Again, maybe not, maybe for Christmas.
12. Oh my poor book, When will you ever be done?
13. 3-5 New pairs of shoes. Heh. I picked alot to do with $$.
14. Need to get rid of more. Especially when I lose weight.
15. Mini-Honeymoon. Oh the $.
16. Sew more. Yes I will have to for Otakon.
17. Spa Day. $
18. More pictures. In progress. I wont see my family until after my birthday so it will have to wait.
19. Still growing. Had 1 inch cut off.
20. I actually started 2 days ago whitening my teeth with peroxide and baking soda.
22. Pull-ups. Not gonna happen if I dont get motivated.
24. We just have to pick a date!
25. I just asked and we are doing this on my birthday!

So work has been pretty terrible. I hate it. It makes me so miserable. I dont want to play the game anymore. Im done.

Boys suck. Im on my own again. Which is how I want it. Things should be back to normal soon. Im kinda pissed off at myself. I wish people would stop thinking that they knew me. They dont and never will. Its just the way my life works. And I dont want them to psychoanalyze me. Seriously. They will never understand. :D

In other news. Mark and I are doing quite well. Our relationship has been growing and maturing more and more. We are constantly learning more about ourselves. We have decided to look into certain activities that some may find abnormal or unacceptable. But its our life. Glad you guys support us. Ill write more about it as events unfold.

Mark and I have been making more friends outside of my work. Which is great. I don't need anymore friends from there. Way too much drama. Its so not good for me. We have been going out with these new friends and having a great time. Opening new doors.

Mark also started his new job making more money and more opportunity for advancement I hope. I start massage school and one day everything will be awesome. We are just taking life, one day at a time.

This is the Story of a Girl

So when I used to write blogs in middle and high school they were usually about a depressed girl that came home crying everyday because the kids teased her. Because her hair was too short and she was nice to everyone. She was permanently removed from the 'cool kids' group when she was in the 4th grade for being friends with a funny red headed boy who like to sing. He became her best friend. He made her happy in many ways. In 1995 she began to write stories of kids who were different. Kids with powers to control the elements. She would dream for hours, lost in her world. The kids at school took advantage of her happiness. Her mom would tell her she was beautiful and not to listen to those kids because they were jealous. At school they would corner her and threaten her. Pushing and shoving and the occasional slap. She cowered constantly. How could anyone have so much hatred towards someone they didnt even know? She went to school every morning in pain due to stress of being picked on. Boys taunted her on the bus ride home. Girls spread rumors like posion.

One day in high school she stood up to a girl in gym. The girl hissed and threatened but punishment never came. She decided she wouldnt be picked on anymore. She would stand her ground and fight back. And the girls backed down. She became more confident. She fell in love with a beautiful boy who was as broken as her. Only she didnt know that at the time. They showered each other with love and attention. More than she had ever had. He owned her heart. Her soul. She gave him everything. He followed his dream one day and she watched him be happy. He was gone for long periods of time protecting what he loved. She fell to a level of sadness she had not been prepared for. But she survived every month until he came home. His mother hated her. She spun lies. He had to go and the girl cried. She cried like she had never cried before. And she never saw him again. He abandoned her for months. She lost herself. What happened to that happy girl who made everyone feel better?

This madness swallowed her up. She fell into a darkness she couldnt escape. The pain was so agonizing she would cry for hours. She needed physical pain to cover the emotional turmoil. She couldnt think, couldnt concentrate. No one could help her. Then one day she turned the pain into hatred. Hatred for the one who did this to her. She wanted nothing more than be angry. She decided she would become better because of her pain. But she didnt. her motivation was gone. She tried to fool herself into being happy. Everything she did was a constant reminder of him. She was drowning and no one knew.

She went to college and started working harder. Eventually the pain became manageable. She had other relationships. Good and bad. She made decisions to try not to care so much but her mind was always on over drive. She thought about everything way too much. She couldnt fall asleep at night unless she focused on the one thing that she could lose herself in. A book. Her book. A book that made her smile and giggle. This book she had created in her mind all those years ago. This book that she had started writing in 1997. This book that year after year she swore she would finish writing and allow others to enjoy her happiness. But it was never finished.

She found a boy who made her happy. This happiness turned to love and adoration. But she was broken and stubborn. And he was headstrong and sad. They mended each other as best they could. And she was crazy. She explained to him in great detail. He laughed and soon learned she was right. She was needed constant attention, she was jealous and over protective, when she wanted things, she wanted them then and not later, she whined and cried all the time. She was over emotional and couldnt control how she felt sometimes and he was to understand that no matter what. She argued just so she could make him mad at her. She was so broken from her last love. She couldnt feel remorse for the pains he brought him. She wouldnt apologize because she refused to lie to him. He put up with her irrational behavior, her obsessive complusive disorder, her organized chaos and her need for constant attention.

They made a life together. And decided to move to a better place. A place where they could start new and be happy. And they were. Until the reality set in. Forever. It might be forever in this place. This temporary place where they were supposed to find footing in life and then go home.

She felt broken all over again. She screamed and threatened and said things she would regret. She lost her grip on life. She fell into a black hole and lost all light. But there was a rope around her. All she had to do was pull it. But she refused. She couldnt accept the possible solution. She would never be happy again. Never. She drowned herself in her own misery.

She lost her grip on reality. She needed help so badly. Her love didnt understand. She couldnt tell him because he couldnt relate to her pain. She laid at her lowest for almost a month. She had thoughts of making everything go away. Not by suicide. But by not existing. She couldnt cope with existing. That was her problem. She wouldnt feel the pain anymore if she could just disappear. Running. Thats all she had done most of her life. But why should she be unhappy? She grabbed the rope and pulled gently and began to climb out of the hole. The light became brighter. She resented the light.

She decided to follow a dream she once had. To fix people. To make people better. She had done so much healing in her life for other people. But she couldnt heal herself. She signed up for school to become a healer. She soon began to submerge herself into things that make her happy and people that make her happy.

Each day she struggles but survives. She gets a little bit closer to the edge of the hole everyday. Some days she slips and falls a little. But she always regains her footing. She appreciates what her friends say to her and how they just want to help. She knows she'll never be fully understood because no one could ever understand how her psychotic, messed up, twisted, delusional, loving, caring, smothering, obsessive, compulsive, neurotic, jealous, over active, imaginative, moody, vengeful, intelligent and insane brain actually works. As much as they think they know her, as much as she shares with others, no one really knows her as well as they think.

So this is the story of a girl who is awesome. Who dreams. Who just wants to be happy. And thinks way too much.

All around the merry-go-round

So, this is kinda big. But secretive. So as of right now, I will not be going to college in the spring or massage school. Apparently bigger and better things are in store for us. Which makes me extremely happy! Sorry I can not share it with everyone because it is still tentative. Cross your fingers for us.

Ive made a countdown for our debt. We currently have $9577 of debt not including Mark's car which is $6078 more. yay.... But! If we stick to the plan and pay $900-$1000 a month to debt we will pay off the following:

Chase: $1521 FEBRUARY 1st 2011
BBY $223 MARCH 1st 2011
CO $190 MARCH 1st 2011
BOA $414 APRIL 1st 2011

VISA $4880 AUGUST 1st 2011
AMEX $2349 SEPTEMBER 1st 2011

CIVIC $6078 DECEMBER 31st 2011

So wish us luck! I miss everyone so much! We can do this!

I will keep you all more updated as the news becomes more real and in to play. We love 2 certain people who are going to help make all of this happen. Thanks! <3