Newest Obsession

Since I have recently recovered from my latest baby kick/need to reproduce, I have found a possible compromise to my situation. If you didn't know, Mark is adamantly CF aka Child-Free. Now when we first started dating in 2005 I was on birth control. It was clear I was not interested in having kids at that time. Over the next year or so we had discussed baby names. It was pretty exciting. But we never discussed when and what needed to happen before we introduced children into our lives. Now almost 10 years later I am on my second 5 year birth control. I made it clear that I want kids, just not right now. Or so I thought. Somewhere a line was blurred and I guess a conversation was never had on what we were going to do.

Eventually after many tears and heart ache Mark and I gave each other ultimatums. His was first, If you want kids you need to divorce me. I am never fathering children. I countered months later after going through a nice depressive numbing state. I countered with mine, If we do not have kids together, we are getting divorced in 2 months. Well obviously that didn't go well for either of us. It was extremely emotional and tense. I explained that I understood his stance. He did not want kids. And I did not want him to be unhappy and stuck.

 I wasn't about to force him into having kids. This isn't something you can compromise on. There's no let's try it. Let's split it fifty fifty. No compromise at all. We either do and I am happy. And he is miserable for the rest of his life. Or we don't and he is happy and I resent him for the rest of our lives. Now it might not work that way exactly. He could fall completely in love with the kid and be endlessly happy. Or I could not have kids and we would have money, time and energy to do so much! Travel, have tons of pets, spoil ourselves, anything! Not that we couldn't do that with a kid, it's just more expensive and a bit more complicated.

Now I am completely understanding of his position. We enjoy our time alone. The quiet time. The fun time. We can do things on the drop of a dime. We have money to spend as we wish. We are saving for a house, a new car, future home projects, a garden, cruises/vacations, airfare and other endless things. We don't have people who depend on us every single day. He doesn't need to explain why he doesn't want kids, it doesn't really matter. I thought I could change his mind by giving him solutions to his apprehensions. But CF is CF. People often say he will change his mind or once you have kids he will love them endlessly or you are still young. Well 27 and 28 isn't that young. Yes, we have plenty of years to have kids. He won't change his mind, it happens, but that bullshit. He is old enough to know. And sure, he could love them endlessly but if he doesn't?

I am unsure. Do I even want kids? Is it just the way I was brought up? Am I just following some American dream? Find a man, get married, buy a house, get a dog and have babies, right? Am I just brainwashed into thinking I want kids. They are an awful big responsibility. I have issues. I recognize that. What if we have kids and it is a mistake? I don't have a support system. All of my family is out of state. How would we pay for a kid? We make enough money to support us now, not necessarily another person.

But the idea of raising a child created from the two of us was magical. Teaching that child the lessons and values I think every person should have. Celebrating holidays and creating traditions. The time and emotion it takes to care, clean, dress, teach and raise a child, I have that! I have that drive. I feel like I need to have children one day (not now) to be happy and complete. It wasn't something I was willing to give up. As I explained to Mark, it was non negotiable. I was having kids. With or without him. And yes I valued having kids more that our relationship.

Well the ball was in his court. He valued us more than children and wasn't willing to end our relationship. He agreed to have 1 kid. Someday. But he doesn't want it. And I feel shitty because I can't force him into this situation. So now Im sitting here, feeling like a bitch, because if I get what I want it is at his expense. Or I can be miserable and yet happy, maybe unfulfilled and still have my life partner.

The point of this post now that the background information is there. Fostering. I want to become a foster parent. I mentioned it to Mark. He is also apprehensive about this idea. But I think this is somewhat a compromise. I could get the interaction with children that I want/need. And eventually they will go back to their birth families or get adopted. I was thinking of doing short term fostering (weekends, a few months, etc) and children over the age of 7. Maybe 9? And up to 17 years old. There are classes and support groups for foster parents.

Now I have been told that I don't really want to foster. And that pisses me off. I hate being told I can not do something or that I shouldn't. I don't make my decisions lightly. I am calculating. I plan. I think of many possibilities and paths my choices can take me. People keep telling me I can't plan when I have a kid. Fuck you. Yes I can. I can plan it all the way down to how I have my baby. Now obviously it will happen when it does but it won't come as a surprise to me. And I know I can't control everything, I am not dense.

Anyways! Mark and I just had a conversation. Literally after I wrote that last paragraph he came home from work. He isn't as apprehensive as I thought. He agreed on my ideas of fostering. We even talked about the classes for foster parents. It might happen one day! Fingers crossed!

TL DR:  Mark doesn't want kids. I do. Foster parenting as compromise?

Hey All! Two posts in One Day!

So my Obsessive Compulsive Woman mind likes to think of crazy random off the wall ideas. And then I will obsess over them for long periods of times just throwing the idea around and think of various situations.

From October until February I was obsessed with the idea of having children. Babies. I think the main trigger to this obsession besides everyone getting fucking pregnant but me, was the Holidays. They mean so much to me because they were the times when my family got together and celebrated. We had traditions. We had things and stuff we did EVERY YEAR. And us being is TX meant none of that. I got to listen to my family have fun and celebrate without me. Talk about a blow to the heart strings. I needed that.  Mark agreed that if he has to become a father to stay with me he will do it (begrudgingly like an ass). So I like to plan as seen in my other posts. I made a list and asked Mark to contribute to it. He did reluctantly. Things that need to happen before a kid is introduced.

• Be 145lbs (or an acceptable weight) If this doesnt happen before Im pregnant, it never will
• Own a house
• Pay Off our debt
• Have 6 month savings
• Have $6k saved up for a down payment for a new/used car (family friendly)
• $$ and a  game plan (I stay home 3 months, go part time 3 months, daycare, etc)
• Take an Alaskan Cruise
• Mark wants his own room (hobby room)
• Go to Vegas (for Otakon Vegas?)
• Travel maybe? Go to Japan, Europe, Carl's Bad Caverns, Yellowstone, etc

I asked Mark when he would be alright with discussing our plans to breed. He didn't answer. I suggested my next birthday. He responded with and I quote, "BUT your birthday is in June." Isntantly my head goes, I know when the fuck my birthday is. Duh. But I had to internally debate on whether he wanted to talk earlier (not likely) or the idea that he didn't think I could keep from bringing it up until then (very likely). Either way, everyone around me is getting pregnant and having their 1st, 2nd and 3rd children (or 4th...)

But then I woke up one day in February, Mark and I both had off. We snuggled and slept in late. Then we had adult time. And stayed in bed longer. Then it hit me, if we had kids, this would likely never happen again. Fuck that! Sigh, one day. Im just not ready. Not right now. Dont tell Mark.

I had a sleep study done. I was having more trouble than usual staying awake and alert during the day. I did the multiple sleep latency test (MSLT) where they give you 7.5 hours of sleep and then give you 5 30 minute naps at 8a, 10a, 12p, 2p and 4p. Normal people fall asleep after 10 minutes during the day. And in a 30 minute nap, they do NOT dream. Not usually. Over night I slept 7 hours and 13 minutes and woke up on average 10 times per hour (this is normal, think shifting positions, brain flicking on for a few seconds, etc). So I slept well, my sleep cycle was normal.

Now the MSLT. Nap 1 and 5, at 8a and 4p, I fell asleep in 3 minutes. The other 3 naps, 10a, 12p and 2p, I fell asleep in 4-5 minutes. I dreamed in 3 of the 5 naps. My dream in nap 3 lasted over 7 minutes. During the day, my body does not function correctly and doe not stay stimulated.

Rewind to my childhood. My first sleep issues started in Elementary school. I had incredibly vivid dreams. I could remember them in intense details. I dream in color. I also feel pain in my dreams sometimes. Im not very good at controlling what I do in my dreams but I usually have some influence. My other issue, which our Doctor wasn't able to help or give us any info on was my Sleep paralysis. Now, with the internet, we can read about sleep paralysis. When you dream in REM sleep your body goes paralyses itself the prevent you from acting out your dreams and hurting yourself. Well my body, likes to forget to un-paralyze itself sometimes. So a few times a month I would wake up unable to move, having difficulty breathing, panic hitting me like bricks. I would have vivid hallucinations of things in the room with me or me screaming and no one hearing me.  I still have an episode once a month or so.

Then in middle and high school I began to fall asleep during class. I love school and it was absolutely embarrassing to not be able to keep my eyes open. I started napping frequently. I would fall asleep in meetings, while watching movies and other inappropriate times. I would have urges to fall asleep while driving. I would have to stop driving or hit my leg as hard as I could to try and keep my brain stimulated. It got pretty scary.

When I worked at Gamestop I was convinced there was a Carbon monoxide leak and it was sucking the life from us. And we were more and more fatigued the longer we were there. Then I found out that wasn't a symptom of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. I did a sleep study in 2004 and I was diagnosed with a slight case of sleep apnea and Excessive Daytime Sleepiness. The medicine they wanted to put me on was still new-ish. They didn't know how it would effect birth control. I wasn't ready to risk that at 17. So I suffered and struggled. I thought it was normal. Everyone was hopped up on caffeine and energy drinks.

I started taking caffeine pills. They helped me for a good 8 hours. Then I would crash. So badly, I was dead to the world. But the caffeine pills started to wreck my stomach. My IBS got worse. I couldn't keep taking them. I turned to energy drinks. I don't do well with carbonated beverages. Then this magically 6 hour energy shot came out. 2 shots per drink. It was a miracle pill...err...drink. But they were $4 a pop. Ouch. But it would get scary when I was driving. I would struggle. Daily. I didnt want to put myself or others at risk. Sometimes my mind would go blank and when I was aware again I was home. I would drive miles and be at my destination. I would stop at stop signs and red lights. I wouldn't tailgate. I had adequate time and space (Thanks Mom) between myself and other vehicles.

So  I decided to have another sleep study. The one I listed above. I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. Grade A Narcolepsy. From Wikipedia "Narcolepsy is  a chronic neurological disorder caused by the brain's inability to regulate sleep-wake cycles normally. Narcoleptics, when falling asleep, generally experience the REM stage of sleep within 5 minutes, while most people do not experience REM sleep until an hour or so later." 

There is no cure for narcolepsy, only treatments. The medicine I was prescribed was Modafinil/provigil. The same medicine I was given almost 10 years ago. But now they say it only lessens my Birth control from 99% to 95%/. Oh well. The kicker, they don't know who the medicine works, only that it does. I do not just fall asleep (that's only in the movies). I know when I am having an episode. I can prevent/stop/lessen the need to sleep by talking to people, taking something, moving around, napping or just sucking it up.

So Im still struggling a bit. Working on dosage and all that. I found out that what Ive been experiencing are called sleep paralysis, hypnopompic hallucinations, automatic behavior and excessive daytime sleepiness. I do not suffer from Cataplexy. Which 70% of narcoleptics suffer from. It is a terrible symptom consisting of losing control of your muscles while experiencing certain emotions, laughter, saddness, orgasm or any other intense emotion. Fingers crossed it never happens.

Round 7...8? Ok, so I'm terrible at Blogging....

Alright, So an Update is in order!

Mid and Late 2012: I became a Massage Therapist! I started working at a Massage Chain and took a few more continuing education classes. I started performing massages at Mark's work and picked up a few clients. Mark got a promotion! Mark had his nose and throat surgery in December. We also finally for Blair-cat fixed. Poor kid and Grizzle Bear, they were surgery buddies.

 Met my current best friend Sarah. She's Jewish and her Mom invites Mark and I over for Sabbath and holidays and make home made magical delicious in their beautiful. Sarah works at a hospital and is going to school full-time to become a nurse. I've been dragging her through my shenanigans when she let's me!

I went drinking on Halloween (my new tradition as of 2010). And threw up from drinking for the first time EVER. It may have gone out the passengers side window and back in the back window where Sarah was sitting (just a few drops...) and may have hit Mark (who was driving). He wasn't happy at all.

Finally quit my job merchandising. Although I do miss it. The pay was ok. I loved the schedule even though I struggled sometimes (see new diagnosis in 2014). It helped my OCD and made me happy with it's simplicity and ability to let me be creative and use my brain some.


In 2013, we rescued a pup and named her Kodak! Pain in my ass. She had kennel cough when we got her. I could actually smell the infection in her. She's adorable and goofy and so underweight. Being child free we spoiled the shit out of her.

I also smoked pot for the first time. For about a month. Then I told Mark and he flipped his shit. It was great. Fuck you if you're judging me. It's better than drinking alcohol and natural. People get high all the time from nicotine and caffeine. Pot isn't any different (well it's currently illegal but we are getting there) Plus 80% of the people here in Austin smoke. So Mark said we could re-discuss this 'issue' when it's legal. I didn't waste away, I came home, had a bowel, cleaned the house, ate a snack, napped, greeted Mark when he came home. No issues. Bills got paid, I didn't miss work, I didn't PMS like a psycho, we didn't argue ONE. It was a win-win. Whatever.

I also cut my hair short. I love it! Julia and Johnny got married and I was a bridesmaid. I flew back to MD by myself to see them. Jenny, Julia, Andrea and Candice all got pregnant. God damn. Fuck me. Mark refuses to have kids. I gave him an ultimatum. It was a bitch move but he did it first. He's welcome to change his mind. But Im not sticking around. A book may come out of this.

I got a hotel this round for Halloween. Best idea ever. Did not throw up this time. My massage business is doing really well. I have a few more clients (Im not looking to be fulltime yet).

2014: Wow, We have paid off Marks Car ($18k in 2012), paid for my school ($7k in 2013) and reduced our credit card debt from $11,900 to $415. Which we fully intend to pay off very soon. We have almost $2k in our savings account. We are saving that and more for a down payment for a house in August, Fingers crossed! Our jobs haven't changed. We don't make a lot of money. We eat out frequently. We see movies and have fun every week/month. We are doing great!

Jenny had her baby in February. She had the first girl born into our family since Candice in 1988. Candice is due in July and Julia is due in August.

Ok, new post time!