From October until February I was obsessed with the idea of having children. Babies. I think the main trigger to this obsession besides everyone getting fucking pregnant but me, was the Holidays. They mean so much to me because they were the times when my family got together and celebrated. We had traditions. We had things and stuff we did EVERY YEAR. And us being is TX meant none of that. I got to listen to my family have fun and celebrate without me. Talk about a blow to the heart strings. I needed that. Mark agreed that if he has to become a father to stay with me he will do it (begrudgingly like an ass). So I like to plan as seen in my other posts. I made a list and asked Mark to contribute to it. He did reluctantly. Things that need to happen before a kid is introduced.
- Be 145lbs (or an acceptable weight) If this doesnt happen before Im pregnant, it never will
- Own a house
- Pay Off our debt
- Have 6 month savings
- Have $6k saved up for a down payment for a new/used car (family friendly)
- $$ and a game plan (I stay home 3 months, go part time 3 months, daycare, etc)
- Take an Alaskan Cruise
- Mark wants his own room (hobby room)
- Go to Vegas (for Otakon Vegas?)
- Travel maybe? Go to Japan, Europe, Carl's Bad Caverns, Yellowstone, etc
I asked Mark when he would be alright with discussing our plans to breed. He didn't answer. I suggested my next birthday. He responded with and I quote, "BUT your birthday is in June." Isntantly my head goes, I know when the fuck my birthday is. Duh. But I had to internally debate on whether he wanted to talk earlier (not likely) or the idea that he didn't think I could keep from bringing it up until then (very likely). Either way, everyone around me is getting pregnant and having their 1st, 2nd and 3rd children (or 4th...)
But then I woke up one day in February, Mark and I both had off. We snuggled and slept in late. Then we had adult time. And stayed in bed longer. Then it hit me, if we had kids, this would likely never happen again. Fuck that! Sigh, one day. Im just not ready. Not right now. Dont tell Mark.
I had a sleep study done. I was having more trouble than usual staying awake and alert during the day. I did the multiple sleep latency test (MSLT) where they give you 7.5 hours of sleep and then give you 5 30 minute naps at 8a, 10a, 12p, 2p and 4p. Normal people fall asleep after 10 minutes during the day. And in a 30 minute nap, they do NOT dream. Not usually. Over night I slept 7 hours and 13 minutes and woke up on average 10 times per hour (this is normal, think shifting positions, brain flicking on for a few seconds, etc). So I slept well, my sleep cycle was normal.
Now the MSLT. Nap 1 and 5, at 8a and 4p, I fell asleep in 3 minutes. The other 3 naps, 10a, 12p and 2p, I fell asleep in 4-5 minutes. I dreamed in 3 of the 5 naps. My dream in nap 3 lasted over 7 minutes. During the day, my body does not function correctly and doe not stay stimulated.
Rewind to my childhood. My first sleep issues started in Elementary school. I had incredibly vivid dreams. I could remember them in intense details. I dream in color. I also feel pain in my dreams sometimes. Im not very good at controlling what I do in my dreams but I usually have some influence. My other issue, which our Doctor wasn't able to help or give us any info on was my Sleep paralysis. Now, with the internet, we can read about sleep paralysis. When you dream in REM sleep your body goes paralyses itself the prevent you from acting out your dreams and hurting yourself. Well my body, likes to forget to un-paralyze itself sometimes. So a few times a month I would wake up unable to move, having difficulty breathing, panic hitting me like bricks. I would have vivid hallucinations of things in the room with me or me screaming and no one hearing me. I still have an episode once a month or so.
Then in middle and high school I began to fall asleep during class. I love school and it was absolutely embarrassing to not be able to keep my eyes open. I started napping frequently. I would fall asleep in meetings, while watching movies and other inappropriate times. I would have urges to fall asleep while driving. I would have to stop driving or hit my leg as hard as I could to try and keep my brain stimulated. It got pretty scary.
When I worked at Gamestop I was convinced there was a Carbon monoxide leak and it was sucking the life from us. And we were more and more fatigued the longer we were there. Then I found out that wasn't a symptom of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. I did a sleep study in 2004 and I was diagnosed with a slight case of sleep apnea and Excessive Daytime Sleepiness. The medicine they wanted to put me on was still new-ish. They didn't know how it would effect birth control. I wasn't ready to risk that at 17. So I suffered and struggled. I thought it was normal. Everyone was hopped up on caffeine and energy drinks.
I started taking caffeine pills. They helped me for a good 8 hours. Then I would crash. So badly, I was dead to the world. But the caffeine pills started to wreck my stomach. My IBS got worse. I couldn't keep taking them. I turned to energy drinks. I don't do well with carbonated beverages. Then this magically 6 hour energy shot came out. 2 shots per drink. It was a miracle pill...err...drink. But they were $4 a pop. Ouch. But it would get scary when I was driving. I would struggle. Daily. I didnt want to put myself or others at risk. Sometimes my mind would go blank and when I was aware again I was home. I would drive miles and be at my destination. I would stop at stop signs and red lights. I wouldn't tailgate. I had adequate time and space (Thanks Mom) between myself and other vehicles.
So I decided to have another sleep study. The one I listed above. I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. Grade A Narcolepsy. From Wikipedia "Narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder caused by the brain's inability to regulate sleep-wake cycles normally. Narcoleptics, when falling asleep, generally experience the REM stage of sleep within 5 minutes, while most people do not experience REM sleep until an hour or so later."
There is no cure for narcolepsy, only treatments. The medicine I was prescribed was Modafinil/provigil. The same medicine I was given almost 10 years ago. But now they say it only lessens my Birth control from 99% to 95%/. Oh well. The kicker, they don't know who the medicine works, only that it does. I do not just fall asleep (that's only in the movies). I know when I am having an episode. I can prevent/stop/lessen the need to sleep by talking to people, taking something, moving around, napping or just sucking it up.
So Im still struggling a bit. Working on dosage and all that. I found out that what Ive been experiencing are called sleep paralysis, hypnopompic hallucinations, automatic behavior and excessive daytime sleepiness. I do not suffer from Cataplexy. Which 70% of narcoleptics suffer from. It is a terrible symptom consisting of losing control of your muscles while experiencing certain emotions, laughter, saddness, orgasm or any other intense emotion. Fingers crossed it never happens.
No comments:
Post a Comment