Since I have recently recovered from my latest baby kick/need to reproduce, I have found a possible compromise to my situation. If you didn't know, Mark is adamantly CF aka Child-Free. Now when we first started dating in 2005 I was on birth control. It was clear I was not interested in having kids at that time. Over the next year or so we had discussed baby names. It was pretty exciting. But we never discussed when and what needed to happen before we introduced children into our lives. Now almost 10 years later I am on my second 5 year birth control. I made it clear that I want kids, just not right now. Or so I thought. Somewhere a line was blurred and I guess a conversation was never had on what we were going to do.
Eventually after many tears and heart ache Mark and I gave each other ultimatums. His was first, If you want kids you need to divorce me. I am never fathering children. I countered months later after going through a nice depressive numbing state. I countered with mine, If we do not have kids together, we are getting divorced in 2 months. Well obviously that didn't go well for either of us. It was extremely emotional and tense. I explained that I understood his stance. He did not want kids. And I did not want him to be unhappy and stuck.
I wasn't about to force him into having kids. This isn't something you can compromise on. There's no let's try it. Let's split it fifty fifty. No compromise at all. We either do and I am happy. And he is miserable for the rest of his life. Or we don't and he is happy and I resent him for the rest of our lives. Now it might not work that way exactly. He could fall completely in love with the kid and be endlessly happy. Or I could not have kids and we would have money, time and energy to do so much! Travel, have tons of pets, spoil ourselves, anything! Not that we couldn't do that with a kid, it's just more expensive and a bit more complicated.
Now I am completely understanding of his position. We enjoy our time alone. The quiet time. The fun time. We can do things on the drop of a dime. We have money to spend as we wish. We are saving for a house, a new car, future home projects, a garden, cruises/vacations, airfare and other endless things. We don't have people who depend on us every single day. He doesn't need to explain why he doesn't want kids, it doesn't really matter. I thought I could change his mind by giving him solutions to his apprehensions. But CF is CF. People often say he will change his mind or once you have kids he will love them endlessly or you are still young. Well 27 and 28 isn't that young. Yes, we have plenty of years to have kids. He won't change his mind, it happens, but that bullshit. He is old enough to know. And sure, he could love them endlessly but if he doesn't?
I am unsure. Do I even want kids? Is it just the way I was brought up? Am I just following some American dream? Find a man, get married, buy a house, get a dog and have babies, right? Am I just brainwashed into thinking I want kids. They are an awful big responsibility. I have issues. I recognize that. What if we have kids and it is a mistake? I don't have a support system. All of my family is out of state. How would we pay for a kid? We make enough money to support us now, not necessarily another person.
But the idea of raising a child created from the two of us was magical. Teaching that child the lessons and values I think every person should have. Celebrating holidays and creating traditions. The time and emotion it takes to care, clean, dress, teach and raise a child, I have that! I have that drive. I feel like I need to have children one day (not now) to be happy and complete. It wasn't something I was willing to give up. As I explained to Mark, it was non negotiable. I was having kids. With or without him. And yes I valued having kids more that our relationship.
Well the ball was in his court. He valued us more than children and wasn't willing to end our relationship. He agreed to have 1 kid. Someday. But he doesn't want it. And I feel shitty because I can't force him into this situation. So now Im sitting here, feeling like a bitch, because if I get what I want it is at his expense. Or I can be miserable and yet happy, maybe unfulfilled and still have my life partner.
The point of this post now that the background information is there. Fostering. I want to become a foster parent. I mentioned it to Mark. He is also apprehensive about this idea. But I think this is somewhat a compromise. I could get the interaction with children that I want/need. And eventually they will go back to their birth families or get adopted. I was thinking of doing short term fostering (weekends, a few months, etc) and children over the age of 7. Maybe 9? And up to 17 years old. There are classes and support groups for foster parents.
Now I have been told that I don't really want to foster. And that pisses me off. I hate being told I can not do something or that I shouldn't. I don't make my decisions lightly. I am calculating. I plan. I think of many possibilities and paths my choices can take me. People keep telling me I can't plan when I have a kid. Fuck you. Yes I can. I can plan it all the way down to how I have my baby. Now obviously it will happen when it does but it won't come as a surprise to me. And I know I can't control everything, I am not dense.
Anyways! Mark and I just had a conversation. Literally after I wrote that last paragraph he came home from work. He isn't as apprehensive as I thought. He agreed on my ideas of fostering. We even talked about the classes for foster parents. It might happen one day! Fingers crossed!
TL DR: Mark doesn't want kids. I do. Foster parenting as compromise?
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